I’ve struggled for most of my life finding balance between pleasing those around me and being who I really want to be. There is a ton of psychology behind the “why” of this inner personal struggle and I won’t go into that here but…as I begin to break down who I am it becomes increasingly scary that over the years I’ve allowed myself to be watered down or in some cases, completely changed, in order to meet the needs or the expectations of those that I deem important in my life. Further more, I’ve allowed what I think it will take to achieve my goals really filter who I am. I question this daily…does it make sense to not be 100% authentic because I’m worried that who I really am will be rejected and it will somehow impact my future.
The idea that I won’t fit someone else’s brand bothers me and I have found myself filtering who I truly am in order to fit. I am incredibly careful about what I say or post for a lot of reasons but ensuring I fit a certain persona is definitely on the list. Ultimately the idea that what I might “post” wouldn’t really be all that offensive to most, yet I still find myself overthinking the point: which is a different problem all to itself.
I’ve let the idea of “fitting in” be a staple in my decision making from my appearance to what I post to things I say. For example…It took me years of establishing my business and grabbing my foothold in my industry before I found myself content enough to tattoo my entire arm. I was worried about the judgment of other influencers in my industry as well as concerned that my clients would put a negative stamp on who I am simply based on appearance. I know that sounds ridiculous but imagine yourself in a small town with serious concerns of judgment being passed on you based on your appearance. It’s a sad realization that in 2021 there are still companies that don’t allow visible tattoos as part of their dress code or presentation code.
I am finally at a point in my life that I can’t allow the perception of others to alter who I am anymore. This behavior is not only hindering me from achieving my goals but it’s becoming increasingly more taxing on my mental health. I remember a time when I made moves in my career that were to better not only me but my entire team. Now I’m so worried about what others think about me “pulling my weight” that I’m doing extra that shouldn’t even be being done in order to look the part. That’s not me. It certainly isn’t moving me closer to my goals. I’ve allowed the words and opinions of others to dictate who I have become in so many aspects of my life. I know you’re sitting there thinking, “so don’t”, and you’re 100% right! It’s always so much easier to figure it out from across the room.
I do think time does something to us and allows us to move forward with the knowledge or learned lessons from our short comings or mistakes. That maturity and knowledge have both been beating at my door for some time now. A knock that I’ve left unanswered. As I prepare myself to open that door I have found a different feeling of reassurance. Self assurance is a powerful attribute and I encourage everyone to seek it. This is what I seek. This is my journey to “the door”.